Our marriage was just over a year old. After another demanding week at work, neither of us wanted to get into it. And with changes going on in our families, we were both emotionally and mentally distracted. There was a high probability we would say things we didn’t mean and make matters worse.
What was it about? I don’t even remember, to tell you the truth. But I do remember that we exchanged complaints, barely restraining the passion over the injustice we each believed we had suffered from each other.
Both angry, both hurt, we walked into separate rooms and stewed on the facts of what felt like a derailed relationship. Our tendency in the conflict was to isolate because it was easier than trying to resolve it.
We thought we wouldn’t have the marriage troubles others had. How naive of us to assume we had all the answers when we had barely even begun to understand the questions.
What Really Poisons a Marriage?
In that and many other times we walked away from conflict instead of talking through it, my wife and I fell prey to the secret enemy that hides in every marriage.
No, it’s not you or your spouse: it’s unexpressed conflict.
You can disagree on what color to paint the kitchen, the best school for your kids, and even about which church denomination or political party is best. Those disagreements may cause friction and some heated debates from time to time, but they won’t destroy your relationship if you don’t let them.
Those unresolved conflicts can last as long as you’re both alive. You can agree to disagree and move on. But unexpressed conflict is a poison that slowly, secretly infiltrates every part of your relationship.
Left untouched, unexpressed conflict will turn assumptions into accusations and accusations into evidence. It’s like rendering a verdict when the other person didn’t even know court was in session.
Unexpressed conflict gets really practical, really personal, really fast.