“You are broken”
“You are a burden.”
“You are lazy.”
“You are a failure.”
This was the internal dialogue playing on infinite repeat inside the mind of 17-year-old Alexandra Valoras — the bright bubbly teen who was described by her mother Alysia as “happy,” “motivated,” and “so full of life.”
Tragically, this mental war that Alexandra was battling only became evident after she took her own life.
Over 200 pages of self-loathing messages scribbled throughout two journals told a much different story than her pleasant, happy-go-lucky demeanor reflected.
Driven by a need to be perfect and maintain an impossible standard, the theme running throughout Alexandra’s journals exposed how haunted she was by not measuring up.
Rather than seeing the beautiful, talented young woman she truly was, she could only define herself by one word: FAILURE.
“I don’t want this notebook to end, I love it more than myself (?) I need a place where there is no need for me to be perfect because I’m supposed to be perfect, no exceptions,” read one heartbreaking entry.
She was a straight-A student, robotics genius, and class officer who appeared to have it all together. Alexandra laughed uncontrollably, loved fiercely, and even had a good relationship with her parents — a rarity in the world of 17-year-olds.
But she was hiding a deadly secret that ultimately led to her untimely demise.
Only a few weeks after a ski vacation with her family, Alexandra made her bed and cleaned up her room as usual, and then proceeded to jump off of a highway overpass in Grafton, MA.
Her father, Dean Valoras, recalls the horrific moment when he found his lifeless daughter:
“I leaned over the embankment and looked down and I saw her. I was just hoping for warmth. But there was no warmth; there was none. And all the cars kept driving by. And my daughter’s on the side of the road. Nobody saw this. And she’s cold.”
Soon after, Dean and his wife Alysia discovered the disturbing journals amidst Alexandra’s belongings. The entries they found within shook them to their core.
The phrase “I’m not good enough” was also a recurring theme.
“These are things that we never heard,” said Alysia, shocked by the discovery. “There was just so much joy in everything she did, and it doesn’t match what was in the journal.”
“It doesn’t seem possible,” she added. “But it’s what reality was, because it’s written right there.”
Dean and Alysia replayed certain events involving their daughter in their minds, scratching their heads at how drastically her journal entries differed from what they witnessed of their lively young girl.
Alexandra seemed to have a blast when her parents took her to a concert by a Scottish rock group, but when she got home, her real thoughts came out on paper: “I hated it. I just wanted to be alone.”
Similarly, the teen seemed elated when her robotics team won at the regional competition, but her next journal entry reflected nothing of this excitement. Instead, it read: “I need an excuse as to why I’m doing poorly.”
“We were there that day, and she was so excited, but none of that made the journal,” shared Alysia.
