And that’s exactly what this post is: An encouragement to sort through and prioritize what is real in a relationship (things like commitment, trust, honesty, and intimacy), versus what is just extracurricular (Mushy selfies, diamond rings, and small romantic gestures) because we often conflate the two.
Now, none of this post is meant to suggest that those bonus things are bad. They are important and valuable, just like road signs are necessary to alert us to the reality of the road conditions. They are ways of communicating love to one another, and creating mementos or symbols to remind our family of the love we have for them. And they’re so much fun! But often we lose sight of the line dividing what is sustaining versus what is just pleasant, but ultimately hollow if there is no substance beneath it.
Deep down, we all know that what our souls crave are honest intimacy, deep affection and nurture, and loyal commitment. But so often we settle for hoping for a diamond ring or a flashy wedding because frankly, those things are easier to attain. They are easier to point to and identify in concrete terms.
I have no facts to back this up, but I wonder if part of the reason for a continued rise in divorce in my generation is because we long so desperately for Superficial Romance that when someone comes along who seems adequate enough to supply us with fluffy feelings and expensive gifts, we leap for them. How many women have been wooed by a giant diamond ring without fully knowing the integrity of her suitor? Or maybe he was just ‘nice’ to her for a few months. How many men have been so eager to place a beautiful woman by their side that they proposed to the first one who said yes?
There is a lot of deceptive fluff in the world.
Yet when I look at people like my grandparents who are approaching 80 (after meeting when they were 14), it’s not the diamond ring, gifts, or romantic social exposure that has held them together all these years. It’s something much deeper. It’s combination of honesty, intimacy, hard work, longsuffering, trust, and a myriad of other factors which, frankly, are not as immediately alluring. Who wants anything to do with longsuffering? I’ve summed them up into the phrase:
Deep Romance.
Because that’s what I want. I think that’s what we all want: To be deeply known and still loved. To be embarrassingly vulnerable, yet accepted. To be committed to. And none of these are things that cameras can capture or money can buy, so for that reason, many people in our world overlook them in favor of easier, more superficial things like #relationshipgoals.
Deep Romance takes time. It takes painful honesty and a lot of trial and error. It takes patience.
And then it takes more patience.
Growing in this is difficult and takes a lot of experimenting and wisdom. Hang out with older couples who can help reorient your #goals toward things that are deep and lasting rather than flashy and fleeting. Look into the Word to see what God’s intent for marriage truly is: Which elements are integral and which ones are expendable or invented by modern marketing gurus?
I hope that we, especially those of us who are Christians, will continue to see romantic gestures and symbols as good things, which they are. There is nothing to make you feel alive like a first kiss or a letter in the mail.
But I hope that we keep them in their proper places: As symbols pointing to a romance much deeper than what others can see. I hope we remember it’s not the ring holding a husband and wife together, but the love, trust, and intimacy they share.
It’s the Deep Romance.