Spiritual

Wife of Pastor Who Committed Suicide Shares Sons’ Heartbreaking Questions: “Why Didn’t He Say Goodbye?”

suicide

The wife of Chino, California pastor Andrew Stoecklein is again speaking out about the devastating tragedy that has wrecked her family after her husband committed suicide late last month.

After writing a heartbreaking and poignant letter to her sweet Andrew last week, Kayla Stoecklein has taken to Instagram to share what it was like to share the news with her three boys.

While Andrew’s dad was battling leukemia we clinged to the phrase “God’s Got This.” • It was Andrew’s idea to create a blog so that people could follow along the journey. Andrew was incredibly passionate about the phrase “God’s Got This.” • We have sent hundreds of thousands of wristbands all over the world with those precious words embedded on it. • Our family is still holding tight to that phrase even now. We are choosing to believe that “God’s Got This.” We don’t understand it, we hate it, it makes us angry, we can’t even breathe, but we are trusting God. • This morning I wrote a post to my husband, if he was here these are the words I would say to him. You can read the post on godsgotthis.org . • Andrew, we will keep “God’s Got This” alive in your name. #godsgotthis

A post shared by Kayla Stoecklein (@kaylasteck) on

“Telling the boys yesterday was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do,” wrote Kayla. “It crushed me. Our oldest son Smith had the most difficult time processing everything. He is such a smart boy and is incredibly heartbroken.”

She went on to explain that the questions the boys asked left her crushed and in shock:

“The types of questions he asked really shocked me.

‘Are you and daddy still married?’

‘Did the doctors know daddy was going to die?’

‘Why didn’t he say goodbye?’

‘What is my life going to be like without daddy?'”

Not only did Kayla not have the answers, but she was also pained that her son would even have to ask these types of questions at such a young age.

Become A Contributor

“These are questions a 5 year old [sic] shouldn’t be asking,” she continued. “These are questions a 29 year old [sic] mommy shouldn’t be answering.”

Navigating the unknown and knowing that her protective mother’s arms can do nothing to shield her sons’ shattered hearts from pain have made matters that much more devastating.

“I hate that I can’t protect them from their grief,” wrote Kayla. “I hate that the only way to move forward is to walk through it. There is so much unknown for all of us. The unknown is daunting.”

Like many of us who have walked through grief, she is now left to press through a life that is so far outside of what she dreamed. But even in her darkest days, Kayla is choosing to rest in the Lord’s strength, loving arms, and guidance:

“This isn’t the life I dreamed about, but I know God is with me. This isn’t the life I prayed for, but I know God will provide. This isn’t fair, this isn’t right, this doesn’t feel real, but I know God is greater, stronger, and bigger. God is for me, with me, and beside me. He is wrapping his loving arms around me and my boys and reminding us even now that He has got this too. #godsgotthis”

Telling the boys yesterday was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It crushed me. Our oldest son Smith had the most difficult time processing everything. He is such a smart boy and is incredibly heartbroken. • The types of questions he asked really shocked me. “Are you and daddy still married?” “Did the doctors know daddy was going to die?” “Why didn’t he say goodbye?” “What is my life going to be like without daddy?” • These are questions a 5 year old shouldn’t be asking. These are questions a 29 year old mommy shouldn’t be answering. I hate that I can’t protect them from their grief. I hate that the only way to move forward is to walk through it. There is so much unknown for all of us. • The unknown is daunting. This isn’t the life I dreamed about, but I know God is with me. This isn’t the life I prayed for, but I know God will provide. This isn’t fair, this isn’t right, this doesn’t feel real, but I know God is greater, stronger, and bigger. God is for me, with me, and beside me. He is wrapping his loving arms around me and my boys and reminding us even now that He has got this too. #godsgotthis

A post shared by Kayla Stoecklein (@kaylasteck) on

In her earlier letter to Andrew, Kayla reminds us through Psalm 16:8 that even in the depths of our despair, the Lord’s ever-near presence will carry us through any circumstance:

“Until we meet again I will cling to my Father in heaven. He will carry me through every second, every minute, every hour of every day. I read a verse this morning and I know God is reminding me that even now, in the midst of my deepest pain that He has got this:

‘Because you are close to me and always available my confidence will never be shaken, for I experience your wrap-around presence every moment.’ Psalm 16:8 (TPT)

While knowing that God will take care of her and the boys, Kayla admits she has fears about what this tragedy means for their future:

“I am trusting that God will provide, but at the same time I am absolutely terrified. I have never had to navigate the depths of such a loss and I don’t know how I will do it while raising 3 beautiful, busy, grieving, boys. Today through my tears and pain I whispered to myself, ‘I have no idea what my future holds, but I know who holds my future.'”

This is what my world looks like now. Just me and the boys. It’s unexpected and unimaginable. Walking through a few small condos today my heart shattered into a million pieces trying to imagine what a house would feel like without Andrew. He was my home. We had a beautiful life and we had a bright future ahead of us… together. Now everything has changed. • I am trusting that God will provide, but at the same time I am absolutely terrified. I have never had to navigate the depths of such a loss and I don’t know how I will do it while raising 3 beautiful, busy, grieving, boys. • Today through my tears and pain I whispered to myself, “I have no idea what my future holds, but I know who holds my future.” • Our church @inlandhills has launched a @gofundme campaign for me and the boys. If you feel led to give, you can visit gofundme.com/careforkayla • From the bottom of my heart I want to say thank you. I have read many comments and messages. I can feel the love and prayers. Thank you for your kindness. #godsgotthis #careforkayla

A post shared by Kayla Stoecklein (@kaylasteck) on

Please continue to keep Kayla and the Stoecklein family in your prayers. If you feel led to assist them financially during this time of need, you may donate to their GoFundMe page here.

Read Next On FaithIt
“When They Turn 18, They Just Ditch God Altogether”: Francis Chan Reveals the #1 Reason Kids Turn on Jesus
Kelsey Straeter
Posted By

Kelsey is an editor at Outreach. She’s passionate about fear fighting, freedom writing, and the pursuit of excellence in the name of crucifying perfectionism. Glitter is her favorite color, 2nd only to pink, and 3rd only to pink glitter.

Comments