“I worked my last shift in NYC today. Tomorrow, I will pack my things and get my room cleaned and fly out Monday morning.
The devastation I’ve witnessed here is not something I can adequately put into words. I’ve FaceTimed a patient’s family so they could say goodbye. In 20 days I’ve put over 40 people in body bags to be put into a refrigerated truck, because the morgue does not have enough space. I’ve seen one patient fully recover. Sure, I am in a “hotspot” and was working in an ICU, so the patients there are sicker, but it didn’t change the fact that this virus did not discriminate. I saw healthy, young people die just as often as I saw elderly, sick people die.
I wasn’t going to share this picture. It was sent from a coworker who took it after I’d lost 3 patients in one shift a little over a week ago. I was sitting on a dirty mattress in the floor of our break room weeping, covered in 3 layers of PPE. These people died alone. Their families were given a FaceTime goodbye, which to me, felt cheap. I didn’t know how to apologize for not being enough. For our medicine not being enough. For everything we’ve done not being enough.
How do you apologize for this? I know it’s not my fault. I know I could not prevent this. But it is nonetheless devastating and you leave feeling so inadequate.
The numbers are getting better. There is healing happening, but I won’t be here to see it.
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