If you knew nothing about me, you’d probably look at that picture and think “wow she looks great!” You’d congratulate me, tell me how awesome I am, say you envied my dedication. I’ve been told my body is “goals” and received comments on how tiny I am. People ask me how I did it, in hopes I’ll reveal some great secret they can copy.
Because unfortunately in our society, weight loss and thinness is a sign of health. We assume if someone lost weight, they must be healthier. That it’s always something to be celebrated. An achievement, a mark of success.
But for me (and for many other women), a thinner body does not mean a healthier body. In fact, it means the exact opposite.
My “perfect body” came from starving day after day, from slowly destroying myself. It’s a body without a regular menstrual cycle, with osteopenia in its bones, with a weak heart and all sorts of other damage I’m not even aware of.
I finally have the body I always dreamed of when I was younger and watched all the popular girls get asked out on dates. I have the body I thought I could never have. I surpassed the weight I had written at the top of my life goals list (sad that was the number one thing I wanted right??).
I finally have the one thing I thought would make my life perfect. And guess what. It did the opposite. Instead of giving me everything I wanted, it took it away.
And while my #transformationtuesday picture might get hundreds of likes on Instagram, while I’m hit on a lot more at bars now, while I’ve achieved what many people dream of, I’m not proud. I don’t want to be the girl on the right anymore. I don’t want to be starving and miserable and lifeless all to be the hot girl.