When you decide to follow the Lord I think you develop a preconceived notion of how you should do that. For most it’s “the law” part that gets us. We see a list of things we should do if we love Jesus, and more importantly a list of things we definitely should not do. When we inevitably fail at one list or the other, and most likely both, naturally we feel like we have failed the Savior of the world. You have this guy who gave up His life for you before you were even born, who suffered this horrific death on the cross, yet you can’t even stop slipping four-letter expletives in traffic. Sheesh. You’ll never get this right.
Most people driven to “do good” and “do better” for God find it near impossible to maintain this level of perceived perfection without sin, and all the while forget about that great thing called grace. It’s the gift that began on the cross, and it’s a gift that is bestowed to us even now. Like, on a daily basis.
Aside from the false feeling that we must act a certain way if we are to be allowed entry into the kingdom of Heaven, we also cut ourselves very little slack in the faith department.
If only I believed more.
If only I didn’t doubt Him.
Never remembering that it isn’t about what we can do, but rather it’s about what He has already done. It’s just accepting that. The rest will come.
One area that has always bothered me, aside from being able to magically rid my life of those “stubborn sins,” is the area of doubt. I don’t mean doubting God can do this or God can do that. I would venture to say I do allow some grace to self in that arena. After all, a mustard seed is pretty small. No, what bothers me is when a rogue thought flits through my mind that challenges the existence of God, period. Do you know what I mean?
It’s that supremely logical part of your brain that might jump up unexpectedly and whisper, “does He really exist. Are you sure?”
Whenever I’m accosted by this stray, bothersome idea it is almost like a passing car on the highway. I see it for just a moment, then it’s gone. The thought is dismissed by my faith almost as quickly as it arrives, but my own knowledge that it occurred at all causes me distress. Then I feel almost guilty for my rogue, uncontrolled, fleeting doubt. Ouch.
This doesn’t happen very often, but it did happen to me yesterday, and as times before I began to pray immediately. In fact, I had already been praying when it occurred. But after the passing sliver of doubt I prayed for God to speak to my heart.
I’m sorry, Lord. I don’t know why I doubt, but I know I love you. Please speak to my heart in a special way, and pour out your Holy Spirit upon me today.
Then I continued to pray as I had been before. I was reminded of a verse I had read just the previous day.
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
