I am a very capable woman and I can’t find time to shower. I laugh even as I type it.
But with a baby, a very socially active 6-year-old and a severely autistic child, showers have to be before 5 am or after 10 pm. And by that point, this mama is exhausted.
I used to care about how I looked. Like really care. I ate well. I exercised. I showered. I put makeup on. I’d peek at hashtags on Instagram like ‘outfits for summer’ and pin cute outfits. Now, I wear hoodies. Dirty ones. Grey t-shirts.
I grab my clothes off of the floor every morning.
And the sad part is I almost don’t care. I’m too tired to care. There are so many more important things to do than look cute. Like sleep. Or get my job done. Or go to Sawyer’s baseball game. And I choose those things with happiness.
But then, I see myself, and feel sad. I feel like I’ve lost myself. Almost entirely.
I have no hobbies. I have no time to do anything. I just care for kids. For my home. I keep the ship going.
I watch tv shows in 15-minute increments. I stare at my phone for entertainment. I answer text messages three days late.
I’m nonstop busy and yet bored at the same time. It’s a bizarre way to feel.
I don’t know how to fix this funk I’m in. But I’m working on it. I just want to stand still. I want to sit. I want to walk. I want to remember who I am. And what I like to do.
I want to slow down so I can enjoy this. Because I don’t want to miss it. I don’t want to resent it. I don’t want to be angry. What I’ve learned is that there is only so much of me. And I need to find balance.
This year I will find balance in motherhood, marriage, my job, my home and my sanity. That’s my goal. Learn to laugh more too and give myself more grace.”
**This story was written by KT Swenson. Follow her journey on Facebook and Instagram.
