It was just 18 months after giving birth to her second child that Kristina Kuzmic decided to leave her husband.
A mother of two children under the age of four, Kristina’s blog post “Broken, But Not Worthless” chronicles a time in her life when depression, stress and loneliness nearly destroyed her.
Understandably, she was depressed. Her happily ever after had just come to a screeching halt, and everything she’d ever dreamed of was now changed forever.
Depression led to weight gain.
Not, ‘oh, you’ve put on a few pounds,’ weight gain, but rather, rapidly gaining 20 pounds in ONE month weight gain.
Kristina was broke. Feeding her kids with food stamps and stressed beyond belief about how she’d pay the next month’s rent, this strong and confident mama was “bitter, and angry, and confused, and cynical, and miserable.” All of which were understatements.
“When you get like that, when you fall so deep into depression, you become self-consumed, or at least I did. I lived and breathed and ate and drank and made out with self-pity. I didn’t talk about it constantly; I didn’t share my sappy story with everyone I met, but I had developed a secret (or maybe not so secret) affair with it and allowed it to occupy every corner of my being. And I was starting to realize that if I didn’t destroy it, it would destroy me.”
Disgusted with how low she’d “sunk,” Kristina finally one day realized she’d had enough of herself. She decided if she could help others in need, it would help take the focus off of her “pathetic life,” and restore some purpose within her.
“It would distract me from my own neediness.”
But at the time, Kristina’s kids were 2 and 4 years old. Though they were with their dad on the weekends, that’s when Kristina was able to work, and during the week she couldn’t afford a babysitter. So they’d have to volunteer together. Of course, most organizations can’t accept much help from two toddlers.
“I get it. I’m on their side. We probably would have done more damage than help. After being told, “We’d love to have you but your kids are too young,” over and over again, I gave up. Here I was with my first brilliant thought; I had finally come up with a constructive idea for how to save myself from my stupid self-pity and misery and even that had failed.”
Convinced she was a complete failure, Kristina immediately resorted back to her pity-party ways.
“I am useless. I have nothing to offer. I don’t know how to do anything well except change diapers and cook a meal. That’s it. That’s all I know how to do.”
But those pitiful thoughts sparked an idea. What if she used her cooking skills to bless others? If she couldn’t find a place to volunteer, she might as well volunteer from her own apartment.
Kristina sent an email to all of her contacts in the L.A. area, inviting them over for a free meal:
“Subject: Wednesday Night Dinners
Dear friends,
Starting this coming Wednesday, I will be cooking for anyone who needs a meal. Please think of people you know who are either struggling financially and could use a free dinner, or perhaps a college kid who is sick of cafeteria food, or someone new to town who is lonely and needs to make some friends, or anyone else who would appreciate homemade food and good company. Invite them to my place. I will feed everyone. My door will be wide open starting at 6 pm.
Love you all,
Kristina”
After setting off to the 99 cent store, and using her food stamps to buy anything that would go well with a pasta dish, Kristina had her plan.
She wasn’t following a recipe, but knew she could make a delicious meal on a very tiny budget.
Of course, when Wednesday night dinner rolled around, Kristina was nervous. She’d cooked the biggest pot of pasta she’d ever cooked, and even equipped her kiddos with hostess duties for the night, before doubts crept into her head.
“What if no one shows up? What if my friends are embarrassed to bring people to my little apartment? What if I just spent this whole day cooking and cleaning for nothing? What if my idea is stupid? What if the one and only thing I feel I have to offer fails? What if? What if? What if?”
6 o’clock rolls around and anxiety creeps in as no one was at the door. Not a soul had come, and she had A LOT of pasta sitting in her kitchen.
“Within five minutes, three or four people showed up. Then more people showed up. And then even more. By the end of the evening, I had made a second huge batch of pasta, run out of napkins, met a lot of new people, helped a few newbies to town make some friends, and fed approximately thirty people. In my tiny little apartment. On my tiny little budget. With my tiny little kids (who, by the way, proved to be incredible at pouring water and handing out napkins).”
Kristina says she will never forget shutting the door after her last guest finally left. To say she sat on the floor and cried is an understatement.
“I sobbed. I sobbed like a baby, like a broken little girl who just experienced her first glimmer of healing. There was something so powerful, so magical and wonderful, and above all peaceful, in the fact that I could feed all those people. I thought I had nothing to give, but when I gave the little that I had, it turned into something so much bigger than I ever could have expected. And that was a new beginning for me. It sounds dramatic, but I got up off that floor a different girl. I don’t remember ever feeling depressed after that day. Sure, I felt sad at times, and angry, but I didn’t feel defeated or desperate. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel useless. There was finally hope.”
Thursday morning Kristina woke up to emails and phone calls from people who were so grateful for her homemade meal.
“Some told me how they had just moved to town a few weeks before and how the dinner made them feel less homesick.
And it hit me like a ton of bricks—even when I think I have nothing, I still have something to offer.”
Kristina found hope and healing in the depths of her darkness. Serving others made it so much more clear how little her troubles were in the grand scheme of life, and that this too would pass.
She may have been depressed, broke, lonely and hurting, but she was not worthless.
https://fb.watch/5_bcSYZlLT/
