“We prayed for 953 days…
1000’s of tears
1 corrective surgery
4 clomid/letrozole attempts
2 IVF rounds
3 failed transfers
& 1 Amazing GOD.”
This is what Lauren Walker endured before being able to announce on Facebook that she and her husband Garyt were finally pregnant.
And I mean, FINALLY.
For almost three years, the Walkers went through treatment after treatment to get pregnant. They also endured miscarriage after miscarriage—the pain, hopelessness and heartbreak—FIVE times.
“Taking out these needles by the handful to take this photograph was…surreal. Half way through my hands started to quiver, my breath got short and I had to stop. I sat down, looked at it and started to cry. Not because I was sad about what it took to get here, but because it was a representation of my world, our world, for the past over two and a half years staring back at me. There was a lot of pain, hope and fear behind each of these needles. Each one represents a different day, a different path, a different emotion. It’s a lot to take in. After a good cry, the more I looked at it, the more the needles started to blur together. Now all I see are these tiny onesies that so perfectly sum up our journey: Worth the wait. And wait, and wait, and wait.”
Lauren and Garyt are now expecting twins—Duke and Diana—this August. Though they are overwhelmed with joy, Lauren writes about the pain of facing “what could have been,” and the trials they battled to get to where they are today.
“The hardest part of this journey wasn’t having to do IVF. My darkest hour was going through an entire cycle and losing embryo after embryo; five. Coming so far only to miscarry. Getting to where all the hope, the money, all of what could have been your children were gone. The End. ‘We are so sorry Mrs. Walker, but your last attempt was unsuccessful…’ Feeling broken and empty physically, emotionally and above all, spiritually. I remember nights clutching my shattered heart and empty belly and crying…no, screaming out to God asking him ‘Why?’ ‘What’s wrong with me?’ ‘What more do you want from me?’ ‘I’ve done everything.’ My faith was tested every. Single. Time.”
She goes on to explain that while finally getting pregnant is a huge accomplishment, the real victory is the strength she’s found in herself and her husband.
“My heart told me to keep going. Not to give up or give in. Some days I look back and I can’t believe I made it. No, I don’t mean that as in I finally got pregnant. I mean, I MADE it. I’m stronger. It didn’t break me. The days I slipped (and oh, there were many) and thought I couldn’t go on. My husband was there to catch me and prevent me from falling.”
Lauren’s faith and relationship with God has grown more than anyone could imagine through these awful times. While most people would be grateful that they’re over, Lauren says she’s grateful that they happened, because she can give all the more glory to God for his incredible miracles.
“They say God only gives you as much as you can handle. Well, He must think very highly of us. As painful as these few years have been, I’m honored that He chose this path for me. He has shown me the power of faith, the comfort of prayer and a strength I would have never found on my own. On top of all that, he has blessed us with not one miracle but TWO.”
And ultimately, they know that without their faith, they never would have made it through.
“There were many setbacks and road blocks put in our path: Unresponsive trigger attempts, rescued egg retrieval, uterine septums, hyper-stimulations, drug immunities, clotting issues, etc. The way our doctor put it is “yes these things are rare, but not unheard of. What’s rare is having it all happen to the same person.” Even though it was a tough pill to swallow, it made me that much more determined. I knew all these trials were grooming me to be a mother of something mighty and fierce. Twins, no doubt! I knew deep in my bones that light was at the end of this darkness. Even though there were days filled with doubt. We just had to KEEP THE FAITH.”
Lauren’s encouragement to others on this path is that God hears your prayers. Pursuing Him, even when the answer isn’t as you’d hoped, and the future is uncertain, is exactly what creates the kind of God-fearing faith that we are called to live out.
“For anyone struggling, may our story give you comfort and hope. They say, “When you ask God for something He either says ‘yes’ and gives it to you. Or he says ‘ok’ and makes you wait. Or he says ‘no,’ makes you wait longer, and gives you something better.” Had he answered our prayers way back then, in 2015, we wouldn’t have these two angels on their way today. They would be different children and we would have a different life.”
Of course, with God in their hearts, Lauren knows how blessed she is to live this journey with her husband.
“Garyt, words cannot express how truly amazing you are. He is patient when I am not. He’s calm. He’s gentle in his wording. He’s my pill reminder. My patch reminder. My personal pharmacist. He’s my shot drawer-upper and often shot provider. He’s my daily pep-talk. My motivator. He’s my reason for being so strong. He’s my husband and the father of my children. He’s my everything. These babies don’t know how incredibly lucky they are to have him as a daddy. I love you so much. I cannot wait for this new adventure.”
And to her miracle rainbow babies, that are growing healthy beneath her heart, Lauren writes:
“Duke & Diana, you are already so loved. You are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” (Psalms 139:14) Mommy and Daddy cannot wait to hold you in our arms, for we have carried you in our hearts for a lifetime.”