Spiritual

“My Husband Is So Strong & Sweet to Me. But Why? I’m the One Killing His Babies”: Mom Struggling With Infertility Gives Up the Life She Planned to Accept the Life God Gave Her

miscarriage

“It’s funny, growing up you’re always told how ‘easy’ it is to get pregnant.

It only takes one time! Heck, people get pregnant on birth control!

You never imagine when you’re dreaming of starting your family that it’s not going to happen for you. But it happens. 1/8 woman struggle with infertility, but you never think that you will be one of them.

May 17, 2015, Our Wedding day. We decided that we were ready to start our family, we were going to have a baby! A few months go by and I start to get anxious and impatient. We were doing EVERYTHING possible! Calculating ovulation, taking supplements, eating pineapple core anything that might help… praying! But it didn’t happen. Month after month, a roller coaster! The hope, then the letdown. Spending so much money on pregnancy tests! Straining my eyes in hopes to see the faintest of a second line! But it’s never there, month after month. Until it is!

Finally, I hurry up and call Ben to excitedly share the news even though I had been planning secret ways to surprise him for a year, I just can’t wait another second! Everything is great, pure bliss!

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Until it isn’t…. I wipe and there it is, a streak of blood. Oh God, No. Please! My stomach hits the floor.

I hurry up and call Ben, he says ‘Keep calm, babe. I’m sure everything is fine.’ All the meanwhile I can hear the panic in his voice.

That waiting room… the beige carpet, the brick wall, the baby registry magazines. The blood test, the urine test, the exam, the ultrasound, the internal ultrasound… ‘It appears you are having a miscarriage, there is nothing we can do to prevent this, go home and rest.’ I look over at Ben and the look on his face breaks me. He’s trying to be strong for me, but I see it in his eyes. I hate needles but the following week I go in every other day to get a blood draw to make sure my HCG is decreasing like it’s supposed to, but it isn’t… There it is, that stupid little glimmer of hope.

But then the stabbing pain begins, and it doubles me over in pain, holy hell that pain was unbearable. I didn’t want to, but I woke up Ben at 3am to take me to the emergency room because I’m panicking, hyperventilating. Here we go again, the blood test, the urine test, the exam, the ultrasound, the internal ultrasound. ‘it appears your having a miscarriage, there is nothing we can do to prevent this, go home and rest, take some Tylenol for the pain.’ but a few days later and the pain is worse, unbearable. Ben was at work, so I called my mom to drive me to the emergency room. By now, you know the test drill…

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