I want to be chill and relaxed like my mother-in-law who let her kids build fires and walk to the pond a mile away to go swimming. That’s the mom I dreamt of being. The “yes” mom. Sure babe, you definitely should carve those sticks into weapons and fight each other. Also, while you’re at it…have you considered building a fort 50ft up in that maple tree?
I don’t know how to turn it off. I don’t know how to let go.
I worry I will slowly push my kids away as they get older, my lack of trust making them feel trapped. When I hear myself talk, or when I herd my kids like a flock of ducklings…I annoy myself.
I’m just so damn scared. I’m scared of hotdogs and cliffs and predators. I’m scared of water and sickness and some bully speaking poison to their identity.
I never wanted to be a helicopter parent, hovering over my kids’ every move, but I am one.
I want to protect them the best I can, but I also want them to find their own strength, to make mistakes, and to stretch their wings.
I want them to remember me fun and wild, not stressed out and controlling.
Being a mom is hard.
Harder than I thought.
I can only hope and pray that I’m still in the process of becoming. I can only pray that trust is something I can pursue one shaky footstep at a time. And someday when they look back on memories where “mom got all crazy because I wanted to eat my cereal with a steak knife”…I hope they know, that even though I didn’t always do it well or right…
I loved them more than they can ever imagine.
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We are currently traveling the world with our flock (yes I can be a helicopter parent anywhere it turns out). To follow along on the adventure check @grahamsjohnston and my instastories as well as our travel besties @aubspoff and @benjipoff.
