5 — Adoption is not a consolation prize. And pregnancy is not first place.
Whether you mean it to or not, this hated phrase sounds a lot like… “Now that you’ve gone through adoption, you can get what you REALLY wanted all along.”
Adding to your family through adoption is not a lesser way to have a child. Neither is pregnancy the Holy Grail of family planning.
Instead say, “I love that your family chose to adopt.”
6 — Speaking of family planning, it’s not entirely your business.
For some reason, many of us think that the way others plan their family is totally our business. (It’s not.)
If someone chooses to pursue pregnancy at the same time as pursuing adoption, by all means let them. (Without your commentary.)
Maybe they are adopting an older child and want to have their children spaced just-so. Maybe they weren’t sure which would work out first—adoption or pregnancy. Maybe they have a condition that makes their biological clock tick much faster and waiting for an adoption to go through is not an option.
Instead say, “I’m here to support you as you grow your family however and whenever you choose.”
7 — It makes it sound like infertility (if they have it) is just all in their head.
The idea behind the “just adopt so you can get pregnant” philosophy is that someone has an aching need, a need so great and so big, it’s self-destructive. They don’t have something because they want it too much, or are just trying too hard.
And finally, once that need (aka a baby) is filled through adoption, their body magically opens itself up to more babies. Ta-da!!!
So the reason they weren’t getting pregnant wasn’t that they had polycystic ovaries. Or their husband had crappy sperm. Or their uterus was an abnormal shape. Or any other reason people suffer from a physical disability.
No. None of that. It was just all in their head. Right?
Instead say, “I wish I could have spared you from all the pain you’ve endured on your way to growing your family. But I’m so grateful your family is growing now!”
8 — This phrase never gives someone warm fuzzies.
Along our adoption journey, I’ve had this said to me every time I’ve gotten pregnant. I’ve been pregnant five times since we started this process—and four of those babies didn’t make it.
Adopting did not save any one of these much-wanted babies.
We did get pregnant again, and carried to term. Trust me—that was an act of God—and had nothing to do with adoption.
If you know someone who is adopting—or is having a subsequent biological child—please do give them lots warm fuzzies. And not cold pricklies.
(And if you were still confused, the “you’ll get pregnant now that you’ve adopted” is definitely a cold prickly to me.)
Instead say, “I love your family. And am so glad to be a part of your life.” And trust me, they will know that you do.
About the Author: Rachel Lewis is a foster mom, biological mom and adoptive mom. She started her fostering journey before enduring recurrent loss and infertility, and shares transparently about her journey to creating a family on her blog The Lewis Note. Connect with Rachel on Facebook and Instagram.
