Debbie Wilkins Baisden was a butthole wife.
That is—until she no longer had a husband to be a butthole to.
In a piece called “Stop Being a Butthole Wife,” Debbie pens the realization she had the day her husband left earth for heaven, and “all of her marriage problems vanished.”
“I was a butthole wife. Until my husband died,” she admitted.
For her, it was always the laundry:
“I get it, the guy can’t find the hamper. It’s maddening. It’s insanity. Why, why, must he leave piles of clothes scattered, the same way that the toddler does, right? I mean, grow up and help out around here, man. There is no laundry fairy.”
What Debbie says she didn’t realize until it was too late, is that pile of laundry—constantly stirring chaos in her marriage—was a gift from God. Disguised just enough so that she had to lay down her own selfish ways in order to notice the gift in front of her.
“Marriage is designed to be a reflection of Christ’s love for His people. It’s supposed to be beautifully harmonious and intimate. How often I screwed that up with bickering and manipulating. I wanted a perfect husband who acted how I wanted, and if that didn’t happen, well, butthole wife was in full effect. If only he could understand how right I was and how wrong he’d always be. I needed to instruct him, question him and remind him of his shortcomings. After all, I was his ‘helpmate.’”
Looking back now, Debbie recognizes she wasn’t being the wife that he needed her to be, and she wasn’t helping her marriage the way she stubbornly believed she was. Though their marriage was good, and their love for one another was deep, it took losing her husband to realize all that it could have been.
“Days after his funeral, I stared at our dirty clothes basket that sat atop our dryer, knowing his clothes were inside. I sighed so deeply. Before me was the last load of laundry I would ever wash for that sweet man. There would be no more dirty socks to pick up around the house. Ever.”
The one thing that used to send her into a spiraling nag and salty eye-rolls was now a “priceless treasure.”
“I waited weeks to wash those clothes. My heart ached for dirty socks to once more be a part of my days.”
Debbie says the messes around the house are not things to lose sleep over, but rather things to celebrate. They’re reminders of God’s gifts to us.
“Like Jesus, we have the opportunity to demonstrate love by serving those we live with. And the last time I checked, not a single person is perfect. How many times had my husband kept quiet, listened and endured? He shared no list of ways that I needed refinement. He simply loved me.”
It’s devastating the lesson that Debbie learned too late. But in Christ, all things are made new. His gifts are new each morning, and Debbie was given the chance to love again. She married again, and has a different approach to the way she loves and respects her husband.
“I am still a butthole wife, but I am working on edifying the man who provides for my sons and me. I now strive to hug more and nag less. My goal is to make him feel respected, important, valued. I want to live love.”
It’s the powerful decision that has radically changed her life.
Debbie White Wilkins Baisden
Debbie no longer stumbles upon traces of laundry with anguish. But now with joy and understanding.
“Recently, I walked into the master bedroom and I stopped, nearly bursting into tears. I saw a pile of dirty clothes that my new husband had abandoned on the floor. As I stared at the pile, I smiled. I knew he had hurried to change out of work clothes into comfy clothes so he could spend time with his new family. He had chosen what is more important. I happily scooped the treasures into my arms and carried them to the washing machine.”
She says it was never about laundry in the first place, but getting to serve her husband—“a wonderful man who ditches laundry for people.”
Imagine how fruitful our marriages could be if we all start with a slice of her brutally honest advice, and stop being a butthole wife.
