The next day I remember having family there and Kenny taking me to the NICU to see Elijah and Brock. They were so perfect! I fell even more in love with them too after seeing them. We spent some time with them and then we went back to the room to rest and spend time with family. We all ate dinner together in my room and were just talking and laughing having a good time. My mom and dad had gone to the NICU to see the boys so we were waiting for them to get back. All of the sudden my nurse comes in the door telling me that we needed to get to the NICU immediately.
I got in the wheelchair and she pushed me as fast as she could with Kenny following behind. We had no idea what to expect. We got to the NICU and we were told that Brock had coded and they were trying to bring him back. We watched as they performed CPR on my sweet Brock and tried tirelessly to bring him back. It was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Blood began to fill his lungs and the Dr. told us there was nothing more she could do. We were then asked if we wanted to hold our baby as he took his last breaths. We both held him and sobbed as we felt so helpless because we couldn’t save him.
My parents were in there with us. My mom held me as I screamed my head off, crying my eyes out, and hyperventilating. Kenny was behind me and my dad was behind him holding him. We were all a complete wreck. I will never forget what I saw in that room that day. My poor sweet baby. I just kept telling him, “I’m so sorry buddy. I am so sorry.” My heart was shattered.
My family came down to the room and we all got to hold him and say goodbye. It was a sweet time. There wasn’t a dry eye in the room. I don’t remember a whole lot because they had to give me some medicine to help calm me down but I do remember everyone holding him and my family praying for us in that room. The next few days were rough. I had many meltdowns and Kenny would wake up with me and comfort me and hold me. I hurt so bad. I cried so hard. I just didn’t understand.
Days went by and we would go see Elijah and it was so hard going back in there and replaying all that took place in that same room right across from Elijah’s bed to my Brock. It was painful to look over there and not see my baby.
We got to spend some good quality time with Lexi, Kinsley, and Brock the last few days we were there. We all held them and cried and imagined who they would be one day. I held each one of them for a long period of time and just stared at them. I sobbed and told them how sorry I was and how I wish it could’ve been me and not them. It just wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right. I am looking at 3 dead babies. How is this God’s plan? I don’t know but I know it is and I trust in it. He knows better than I and He has greater plans for me than I could ever imagine. I know He is good and I know He is faithful. I’m happy my babies are with Him and that I will see them again one day.
So now it’s Friday and I’m getting discharged. Leaving that hospital was harder than I realized. I hated leaving without my babies. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. We went to dinner with family and after we ate we got a phone call that Elijah wasn’t doing well and that we needed to get to the NICU ASAP. We rushed there and prayed and begged God not to let him die. We got there and his numbers were looking much better. He scared us to death! We stayed until 3:00 that morning because we were scared to leave him but we could barely keep our eyes open ourselves and knew we needed some rest. We prayed over him and went and got a hotel.
We went back the next morning and he was doing much better. He has had bad days and good days and we know that’s how it will be for awhile. They told us the NICU is a roller coaster ride and that it is. Now every time one of our phone rings, we panic. He has had an infection and surgeries and all kinds of stuff but he is fighting hard and that makes me fight hard. I am fighting for him. He keeps me going! He is my miracle baby.