I called them because I needed sanity. I called them because I needed someone to know how crazy my home life was, who would still want to be around us. I called them because I needed emotional support and I knew they would give it to me. They lived locally and immediately offered to come over. I wouldn’t let them.
He didn’t like them on a good day and I had no idea what kind of condition he would be in when he finally crawled out of the closet. I got the kids in bed and waited. I looked at the clock for the last time at 3:30 am and eventually fell asleep.
When I woke up, he was passed out in bed. I pushed hard the next day to try and get him to see a doctor. He refused to consider it. His parents never checked back in with me to see how he was and I was alone trying to figure it out.
I calmly walked out of my house and tried to call his phone. He obviously had it turned off because the call went straight to voice mail. I sent a text pleading with him to call me. I felt like every fiber of my body was screaming like a mad woman. I climbed in my SUV for privacy and called “Abner”. Abner, second in the chain of command at the church he pastored, had a huge impact on why he was fired in the first place (… long tale for another day).
The police showed up. It was big news in our state for a pastor to go missing. Four police cars showed up on my quiet cul de sac. Lights on. Sirens blaring. I left my yard to keep the cars away from my house. I begged God to keep all my kids inside, occupied and safe. The police met me in a neighbor’s yard. I showed them the text.
They asked me where he was. “I have no clue. Why are there so many police cars here??”
They asked me if he had a gun. “He has a shotgun but it’s in the house. Can you please move some of these cars? I have kids!”
They asked me if I had any further contact with him. “He won’t answer his phone. It’s turned off. Will you please turn off all the flashing lights?”
They asked me if he had any motivation. “You are asking me if I know why he wants to end his life? I don’t understand why anyone would do that?! Please, please move these cars.”
Abner showed up. They asked him questions. He answered. They decided to file a missing person’s report. All the police cars drove off together.
