I realized I needed to find a couple of parents who would switch the sleepovers to their houses. One girl mom agreed to come get all the girls. One boy mom agreed to come get her sons and mine. I called my momma and told her everything happening. She and my dad planned on taking my youngest home with them.
I called his parents and told them what was happening. They agreed it was finally appropriate to drive down and would be at my house sometime that night. Abner was still hanging around and I remember spewing bitter words to him about Stu, who had just arrived.
“You tell him to leave. He’s not welcome here. You called him…you deal with him. I will call the police back and cause a huge scene if you don’t make him go…” I watched Abner walk over to Stu’s car and they both stood in the street in front of my house until Stu left.
Abner asked me if I wanted him to stay. “No. No, I don’t. Leave.”
The girl mom showed up, hugged me and told me not to worry about the girls. They could stay as long as I needed. My girls walked out of the house refusing to break eye contact with me. They were confused. One of them said, “Why do we have to leave?” I replied, “So you can have fun.” I couldn’t tell them our new reality but hugged each one tight. They knew something big had happened.
I’m sure I looked crazy but they willingly climbed in the car and left. The boys’ mom showed up and hugged me hard. The boys were oblivious and just anticipated a night of fun. My son was so excited. Big smiles as they drove away. (To this day, I am not sure I have ever thanked those two women. I was only able to handle that particular night because of their friendship. They know who they are and if they happen to be reading this, from the bottom of my heart, I love you. I would do absolutely anything in the world for either of you.)
As all the kids were leaving, my parents showed up and my youngest walked back home. The four of us walked slowly inside. Mom immediately started cleaning out of a lack of knowing what else to do and dad tried to distract my little girl. People who worked with him started showing up in couples. It was awkward.
What do you say to someone whose husband probably already killed himself? One of the women, a dear soul and also one of his staff pastors, walked in with sheer panic on her face. She was desperately trying to figure out the location of his phone, hoping that she would be the one to find him. I kept saying, “He’s gone, (her name). It’s been too long. We are just waiting on him to be found. He’s gone.” One of my dearest friends, a man that he and I had been calling our younger brother for over 10 years, showed up and stayed with me until after midnight.
His parents showed up around 10 pm. They talked about how much they were caught unaware of his instability. (Eye roll.) His dad kept saying, “I just can’t believe this is happening.” All those people, like me, kept sending text message after text message and also left multiple voice mails to a phone that was turned off.
No response was ever received from Him and people eventually went home. I’m sure they were relieved to get back in their cars and away from my nightmare. Around 2 am, I gave up my vigil of waiting for a phone call and went to bed. My sweet 8 year old daughter, who refused to go to her grandparents house, was in my room, sleeping so innocently but sticking to me like glue. I remember laying there watching her.
I remember when the weeping started. I remember when it hit me there was a body somewhere waiting to be found. It hit me that I was a widow at 41. It hit me that I was a single mom of four. I got out of bed and ran to my shower. Standing there, with the water turned as hot as it would get, I sobbed and wailed straight to God. I did not understand the why of so many many things about my marriage, about feeling lost in my life, about how I was going to be able to support my babies and about how long the uncertainty would continue.